jazz

Musician Jokes
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jazz

A guy walks into a shop.
"You got one of them Marshall Hiwatt AC30 amplificatior thingies and a Gibson StratoBlaster geetar with a Fried Rose tremulo?"

"You're a drummer, aren't you?"

"Yeah. How'd you know?"

"This is a travel agency."

jazz

Q. How many folk musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Seven - one to change it and the other six to sing about how much better the old one was.
Q. What's the definition of an optimist?
A. A folk musician with a mortgage.

Q. What do you call a musician without a significant other?
A. Homeless.

Q. How is a savings bond like a musician?
A. Eventually it may mature and make some money.

There were two people walking down the street. One was a musician.The other didn't have any money either.

Q: How many reggae musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Light bulb? We spent da' money on spliffs, mon!

Q: How are sopranos defying the laws of astrophysics?
A: The center of the universe shifts with every step they take.

Q: What's the difference between a musician and a pizza pie?
A: The pizza can feed a family of four.

Q: How many Musician jokes are there?
A: Just one -- all the rest are true!!

Q: Why can't many vocalists get through the door?
A: They either can't find the key or don't know when to come in.

Q:What's the difference between a musician and a mutual fund?
A:The mutual fund eventually matures and earns money.

Q: Why do musicians have to be awake by six o'clock?
A: Because most shops close by six thirty.

Q: What would a musician do if he won a million dollars?
A: Continue to play gigs until the money ran out.

Q: What's the difference between a conductor and a stagecoach driver?
A: The stagecoach driver only has to look at four horses' asses.

There were two people walking down the street. One was a musician. The other didn't have any money either.

jazz

Q: What happened to Bach after he had 20 children?
A: His Organ Baroque!
Q: Why did Bach have so many children?
A: His organ had no stops.

Q: What did Mozart recently say to a noisy visitor?
A: "Shhhh! I'm decomposing!"

Q: What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of shit?
A: The sack.

Q: If Hitler, Stalin and a conductor all walked into the room in which you were standing, and you had a gun but only two bullets, who would you shoot first?
A: The conductor...twice.

Q: Why are conductors' hearts so coveted for transplants?
A: They've had so little use.

Q: What does a good conductor weigh?
A: 28 ounces, not counting the urn.

We know a guy who was so dumb his teacher gave him two sticks and he became a drummer but then lost one and became a conductor.

Q: If you throw a conductor and a violist off a tall building, who'll hit the ground first?
A: Who cares?

Q: What's the difference between a bull and a symphony orchestra?
A: The bull has the horns in front and the ass in the back.

Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a conductor?
A: A Doberman.

Q: What do all great conductors have in common?
A: They're all dead.

Q: What does new age music sound like played backwards?
A: New age music.

Q: What happens when you play "the blues" backwards?
A: Your wife comes back to you, your dog returns to life and you get out of prison.

Q: What do you get when you cross a music critic with a bowling ball?
A: A bowling ball that wouldn't know a good performance if it heard one.

Q: What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
A: Homeless.

jazz

Definition of a string quartet: a good violinist, a bad violinist, a would-be violinist and someone who hates the violin getting together to complain about composers.
Q: How are musicians like linoleum?
A: Lay them good once and you can walk on them forever.

Q: Generally speaking, how late does a band play?
A: About two beats behind the drummer.

Q: What does it say on a blues singer's tombstone?
A: "Well...I didn't wake up this mornin'..."

Q: What will it take to reunite The Beatles?
A: Three more bullets.

Q: What would Jerry Garcia be doing, if he were alive today?
A: Clawing at the lid of his coffin.

Q: What was the last thing to go through Kurt Cobain's mind?
A: His teeth.

Q: What were Kurt Cobain's last words?
A: "Hole is really going to be big."

Q: What's the difference between a dressmaker and an alto?
A: The dressmaker tucks up the frills.

Q: What do you see when you look up an alto's dress?
A: A tenor.

Q: How many altos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They can't get that high!

Q: How does a singer change a light bulb?
A: She/he holds it and the world revolves around her/him.

Q: What's the difference between a singer and a toilet?
A: A toilet doesn't follow you around after you use it.

Q: How do you know if a singer is at the front door?
A: She can't find her key.

Q: What's the difference between a soprano and a Porsche?
A: Most musicians have never been in a Porsche.

Q: What's the first thing a soprano does in the morning?
A: Puts on her clothes and goes home.

Q: What's the second thing a soprano does in the morning?
A: Looks for her instrument.

Q: What's the difference between a soprano and the PLO?
A: You can negotiate with the PLO.

Q: What's the difference between a soprano and a pirhana?
A: Lipstick.

Q: What's the difference between a soprano and a pit bull?
A: Jewelry.

Q: What's the definition of an alto?
A: A soprano who can sight-read.

Q: What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a baby elephant?
A: Eleven pounds.

Q: What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and an average all-pro offensive lineman?
A: Stage makeup.

Q: How can you tell if a Wagnerian soprano is dead?
A: The horses all seem relieved.

Q: Why are soprano jokes all one-liners?
A: So tenors can understand them.

Q: If you threw a violist and a soprano off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first?
A: The violist. The soprano would have to stop halfway down to ask directions.

Q: What's the difference between a soprano and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Q: What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a Wagnerian Tenor?
A: About 10 pounds.

Q: How is a soubrette different from a sewer rat?
A: Some people actually like sewer rats.

Q: What is the difference between a soubrette and a cobra?
A: One is deadly poisonous, and the other is a reptile.

Q: How do you tell if a Wagnerian soprano is dead?
A: The horses seem very relieved.

Q: What's the next thing a soprano does in the morning?
A: Looks for her instrument.

Q: What's the difference between an alto and a tenor?
A: Tenors don't have hair on their backs.

Q: How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to change the bulb and three to bitch that they could have done it if they had the high notes.

Q: How do you tell if a tenor is dead??
A: The wine bottle is still full and the comics haven't been touched

jazz

Q: How do you put a sparkle in a soprano's eye?
A: Shine a flashlight in her ear.
Q: Where is a tenor's resonance?
A: Where his brain should be.

Q: What's the definition of a male quartet?
A: Three men and a tenor.

Q: How many basses does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They're so macho they prefer to walk in the dark and bang their shins.

Q: What is the difference between the men's final at Wimbledon and a high school choral performance?
A: The tennis final has more men.

Q: How does a young man become a member of a high school chorus?
A: On the first day of school he turns into the wrong classroom.

Q: What is the difference between a world war and a high school choral performance?
A: The performance causes more suffering.

Q: Why do high school choruses travel so often?
A: Keeps assassins guessing.

Q: What's the definition of an optimist?
A: A choral director with a mortgage.

Q: What is the difference between a high school choral director and a chimpanzee?
A: It's scientifically proven that chimpanzees are able to communicate with humans.

Q: What's the difference between an Appalachian dulcimer and a hammered dulcimer?
A: A hammered dulcimer burns hotter; an Appalachian dulcimer burns longer.

Q: How many country & western singers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change the bulb and two to sing about the old one.

Q: "Hey, buddy, how late do the filkers play?"
A: "Oh, about half a beat behind..."

Q: What's the difference between a puppy and a singer-songwriter?
A: Eventually the puppy stops whining.

Q: How many jazz musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Jazz musicians can't afford light bulbs.
A: "Don't worry about the changes. We'll fake it!"

jazz

There was a certain bartender who was quite famous for being able to accurately guess people's IQs. One night a man walked in and talked to him briefly and the bartender said, "Wow! You must have an IQ of about 140! You should meet this guy over here." So they talked for a while about nuclear physics and existential philosophy and had a great time.
A second man walked in and soon the bartender has guessed about a 90 IQ for him. So he sat him down in front of the big-screen TV and he watched football with the other guys and had a hell of a time.

Then a third man stumbled in and talked to the bartender for a while. The bartender said to himself, "Jeez! I think this guy's IQ must be about 29!" He took him over to a man sitting at a little table back in the corner and said, "You might enjoy talking with this guy for a while."

After the bartender left, the man at the table said, "So do you play French bow or German bow?

jazz

Q: A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road. which one do you run over first, and why?
A: The conductor. Business before pleasure.

Q: What do you have when a group of conductors are up to their necks in wet concrete?
A: Not enough concrete.

Q: Did you hear about the planeload of conductors en route to the European Festival?
A: The good news: it crashed.
A: The bad news: there were three empty seats on board.

Q: What's the difference between a symphony conductor and Dr Scholl's footpads?
A: Dr Scholl's footpads buck up the feet.

Q: What's the difference between a pig and a symphony orchestra conductor?
A: There are some things a pig just isn't willing to do.

Q: What's the difference between God and a conductor?
A: God knows He's not a conductor.

Q: What's the definition of an assistant conductor?
A: A mouse trying to become a rat.

Q: What's the difference between alto clef and Greek?
A: Some conductors actually read Greek

jazz

A musician calls the symphony office to talk to the conductor. "I'm sorry,he's dead," comes the reply.

The musician calls back 25 times, always getting the same reply from the receptionist. At last she asks him why he keeps calling. "I just like to hear you say it."

jazz

Q: How do you know when deadheads have been staying with you?
A: They're still there.

Q: What do deadheads say when they run out of pot?
A: What is this awful music?

Q:What's the difference between a soprano and a pirhana?
A:The lipstick.

Q: Why did they invent keyboards?
A: So musicians would have someplace to put their beers

jazz

Q: How many actors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: Five-- one to climb the ladder and the other four to say that should have been me!
A2: One to change it, and 99 to stand there and say 'I could have done it better.'
A3: Just one. He stands there, and the world revolves around him.
Q: How many assistant directors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but she has to check with the director first to make sure he wants the bulb there.

Q: How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Depends on what it says in the script

Q: How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Doesn't the stage manager do that?

Q: How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: What's the light bulb's motivation?

Q: How many straight actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Both of them.

Q: How does an actor screw in a light bulb?
A: He just holds it, and the world revolves around him.

Q: What's black, crispy, and hangs from the ceiling?
A: An actor trying to change a light bulb.

Q: How do you get an actor off your front porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.

Q: What's the most dangerous thing in your average community theatre?
A: An actor with a power tool.

Q: What do directors do with dead actors?
A: Make them chorus members.

Q: What is the definition of a gentleman?
A: Someone who knows how to act but doesn't.

Q: How do actors traditionally greet one another?
A: "Hi, nice to meet you, I'm better than you."

Q: How many actors does it take to wallpaper a room?
A: Only three, if you slice them very thin.

Q: A van with four actors in it goes off a cliff. What's the tragedy in this?
A: You can fit a lot more than four actors in a van.

Q: What's the difference between a dead actor in the road and a dead snake in the road?
A: Skid marks in front of the snake.

Q: You're driving down a road and see your director and an actor crossing the street in front of you. Which one do you hit first, and why?
A: Your director--business before pleasure.

Q: How can you tell when a plane is full of actors?
A: When the engine stops, the whining continues.

Q: What do you call 20 actors at the bottom of a lake?
A: A good start.

Q: What do you call an actor with two brain cells?
A: Pregnant

How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one. They don't like to share a spotlight

jazz

In the prime of her career, a world famous painter started to lose her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world.
After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office. Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall.

When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art -- the doctor's office.

During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor, "What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?"

The eye doctor responded, "I said to myself, 'Thank God I'm not a gynecologist.'

jazz

There was an artist who worked from a studio in his home. He specialized in nudes, and had been working on what he thought would be a masterpiece for several months now.
His model showed up and, after exchanging the usual greetings and small talk, she began to undress for the day's work.

He told her not to bother, since he felt pretty bad with a cold he had been fighting. He added that he would pay her for the day, but that she could just go home; he just wanted some hot tea and then, off to bed.

The model said, "Oh, please, let me fix it for you. It's the least I can do."

He agreed and told her to fix herself a cup too. They were sitting in the living room exchanging small talk and enjoying their tea, when he heard the front door open and close, then some familiar footsteps.

"Oh my!" he whispered loudly, "It's my wife! Quick! Take all your clothes off!"

mahesh_172004

1 Boy & 1 Girl Student of KG 1 Class

Boy: ka tu mele se saadi kalegi
Girl: Nahi
Boy: kalle na
Girl: Nahi mein nahi kalungi
Boy: kal le na behen plz

jazz

Three guys were standing at the top of the Empire State Building in NYC. The first guy says to the second, "You know, the wind currents are so strong here in NYC that one could step off the edge of the building and literally float in mid-air due to the upward thrust of the thermal air current."
"No way, man, you're crazy," said the second guy to the first. So the first guy steps off the edge of the building and justs floats in mid-air for about 20 seconds and then returns to the roof of the building.

The second guy is simply thrilled and says, "watch me do that" as he steps from the edge roof into the open air. Of course he falls like a stone straight down all the way to the waiting pavement below--SPLAT!

The third guy, who has remained quiet the entire time, leans over to the first guy and say, "You know something Superman, sometimes you can be a real asshole!"