jazz

Genie Jokes
Light Bulb Jokes
Knock Knock Jokes
Yo Mama Jokes
Little Johnny Jokes
Hillbilly Jokes

jazz

Three blondes are walking down the beach. They see something and pick it up and rub it. A genie comes out. He says, you each have one wish. The 1st one says I want to be 20 times smarter. She becomes a brunette. The second one says I want to be smarter but not that much smarter. Make me 10 times smarter. She turns into a redhead. The third one says, I don't want to be any more smarter. Make me 100 times dumber.
She turns into a man.

jazz

An American, Australian and Englishman where stranded together on a desert island.
After many years together, one day the three men were walking on the beach when they saw an old bottle than had been washed up.

Immediatley the American opened the bottle. There was a flash and a loud bang and a Genie appeared.

The Genie said" I have been trapped in that bottle for a 1000 years, and as a reward I will give you all one wish"

The American straight away said "I want to go back home to New York"

With a wave of the Genie's hand, the American disappeared.

The Australian said "Please send me back to my home in Sydney"

"No Problem", the Genie answered. And the Austrialian disappeared.

Suddenly there was a loud crash.

Behind the Genie and the Englishman, a giant pink elephant had just fallen out of the sky onto the beach.

The elephant picked himself up and looked around.

He then looked at the Genie and the Englishman and said apologetically, "Sorry chaps, I appear to be the wrong joke!"

jazz

A husband and a wife were out enjoying a round of golf about to tee off on the third hole which was lined with beautiful homes.
The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice. Her shot was headed directly at a very large plate glass window. Much to their surprise, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces.

They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what happened. When they peeked inside the house, they found no one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head.

The wife said, "Do you live here?"

"No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see there and freed me from that little bottle. I am so grateful," he answered.

The wife said, "Are you a genie?"

"Oh, why yes I am. In fact, I am so grateful I will grant you two wishes, the third I will keep for myself," the man replied.

The husband and wife agreed on two wishes...one was for a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year forever.

The genie nodded and said, "Done!"

The genie now said, "For my wish, I would like to have my way with your wife." I have not been with a woman for many years, and after all, I have made you a scratch golfer and a millionaire."

The husband and wife agreed.

After the genie and wife were finished, the genie asked the wife, "How long have you been married?" to which she responded, "Three years." The genie then asked, "How old is your husband?" to which she responded, "31 years old." The genie then asked, "How long has he believed in this genie stuff?"

jazz

A man walking down the beach sees an old bottle in the sand and begins to play kick-the-bottle to amuse himself. After a while he picks it up, and a pissed-off genie emerges. She says, "normally I grant 3 wishes, but in your case, you son-of-a-@#*%, I am going to grant only 1."
The man thinks a minute and says, "Okay, I want to wake up with 3 women in my bed." She says, "So be it!", and disappears back into the bottle.

Next morning, the guy wakes up with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hilary Clinton. He has no penis, a broken leg, and no health insurance.

jazz

Q: How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the experience.
Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A1: Five. One to change the bulb and four more to chase off the Californians who have come up to relate to the experience.
A2: Nine. One to change the bulb, and eight to protest the nuclear power plant that generates the electricity that powers it.

Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A1: None 'o yo' damn business!
A2: 50. 50? Yeah 50; its in the contract.

Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis.

Q: How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.
A2: None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready.

Q: How many software people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A1: None. Thats a hardware problem.
A2: One, but if he changes it, the whole building will probably fall down.
A3: Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project.

Q: How many hardware folks does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: None. That's a software problem.
A2: None. They just have marketing portray the dead bulb as a feature.

Q: How many FSE's (field service engineers) does it take to replace a dead light bulb?
A1: Who can tell. FSE's are always in the dark.
A2: 2. One to hold the bulb and one to pound it in (etc)
Q: How long will it take?
A:' That's indeterminate. It depends on how many dead bulbs they've brought with them.
Q: What if you have *two* dead bulbs?
A: They replace your fuse box.

Q: How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as you want; they're all virtual, anyway.

Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment of license fee (binary only).
A2: Nearly unanswerable, since the one who tries to change it usually drops it, and the others call for a planning session.
A3: Three. One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number of one of their subordinates to actually change it.

Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.

Q: How many `Real Men' does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: `Real Men' aren't afraid of the dark.
A: None of your damn business!

jazz

Q: How many `Real Women' does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: A 'Real Woman' would have plenty of real men around to do it.
Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. ("Thats all right...I'll just sit here in the dark...")

Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only two, but the hard part is getting them into the light bulb.

Q: How many Polish workers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on strike!

Q: How many WASPs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Silly, WASPs don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in a hot tub.

Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution

Q: How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.

Q: How many survivors of a nuclear war does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs.

Q: How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as light bulbs.

Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.

jazz

Q: How many pre-med students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from under him.
Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three, but they're really only one.

Q: How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one to go back on.

Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.

Q: How many Feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Thats not funny!!!

Q: How many 'Cliffie girls does it take to change a light bulb?
A': It's "Radcliffe Women" and it's not funny!

Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.

Q: How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A1: Two. One to assume the ladder and one to change the bulb.
A2: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in.

Q: How many Valley Girls does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Oooh, like, manual labor? Gag me with a spoon! For sure.

Q: How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three.One to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.

Q: How many straight San Franciscans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Both of them.

Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A1: A tree in a golden forest.
A2: Two: one to change the bulb and one not to change it.
A3: One to change and one not to change is fake Zen. The true Zen answer is Four. One to change the bulb.
A4: None. Zen masters carry their own light.

Q: How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Billions and billions.

Q: How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was.

Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.

Q: How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs!

Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.

Q: What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
A: You can unscrew a light bulb.

Q: How many [IBM] Technical Writers does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A:...... consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
A2': Just one, provided there's an engineer around to explain how to do it.

Q: How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one.

Q: How many gays does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw it in and the other to say "Fabulous."

Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.

Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change the light bulb, one to be a witness, and the third to shoot the witness.

Q: How many does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 10. One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.

Q: How many strong does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 115. One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house.

Q: How many gods does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.

Q: How many people does it take to throw away a one WATT bulb??
A: Five. A Black, a Jew, two women, and a cripple...

Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. It turned itself in.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?

Q: How many football players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!

Q: How many Lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to screw it in and two to talk about how much better it is than with a man.

Q: How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. There never was any light bulb

jazz

Q: How many cabbage patch dolls does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The question is irrelevant since you couldn't find the dolls even if you knew how many.
Q: How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!

Q: How many psychics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: ---- You should have hit "n"!

Q: How many "pro-lifers" does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 6: 2 to screw in the bulb and 4 to testify that it was lit from the moment they began screwing.

Q: How many sorority sisters does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: 51. One to change the bulb, and fifty to sing about the bulb being changed.
A2: 10. One to change the bulb and nine to make t-shirts about it.

Q: How many frat guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A1: Three: One to screw it in, and the other two to help him down off the keg.
A2: Five: One to hold the bulb, and four to guzzle beer until the room spins.

Q: How many Harvard students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one. He grabs the bulb and waits for the world to revolve around him.

Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to assure the everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.

Q: How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed?
A: This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week. Meanwhile...

Q: How many assholes does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None; assholes never see the light anyway.

Q: How many Necrophiliacs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A1: None. Necrophiliacs prefer dead bulbs.
A2: Only one. Oh, excuse me, could you please test the socket with your finger while I go get a new bulb?

Q: How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: About one third less than for a regular bulb.

jazz

Q: How many WASP Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to get a Tab and one to call Daddy.
Q: How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: What kind of answer did you have in mind?

Q: How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as it takes to make a pile big enough to climb on to reach the bulb.

Q: How many civil servants does it take to change the light bulb?
A: 45. One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.

Q: How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Oh wow, is it like dark, man?

Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.

Q: How many U.S. Marines does it take to screw in a light bulb ?
A: 50. One to screw in the light bulb and the remaining 49 to guard him.

Q: How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 151, one to screw the light-bulb in, and 150 to self-destruct the ship out of disgrace.

Q: How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000

Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 7. Scotty will report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the Engineering Section is burnt out, to which Kirk will send Bones to pronounce the bulb dead. Scotty, after checking around, notices that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he can't see in the dark to tend to his engines. Kirk must make an emergency stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb from the natives. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu, and 3 red shirt security officers beam down. The 3 security officers are promptly killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured. Meanwhile, back in orbit, Scotty notices a Klingon ship approaching and must warp out of orbit to escape detection. Bones cures the native king who is suffering from the flu, and as a reward the landing party is set free and given all of the light bulbs they can carry. Scotty cripples the Klingon ship and warps back to the planet just in time to beam up Kirk et. al.
The new bulb is inserted, and the Enterprise continues with its five year mission.

Q: How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace a light bulb?
A: Many hands make light work.

Q: How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light bulb?
A: None. Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs.

Q: How many Pygmies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: At least three. (Notes: think height!)

Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.

Q: How many Chinese Red Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 10,000 - to give the bulb a cultural revolution.

Q: How many anarchists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: All of them.

Q: How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to screw it in, and another to say "Sock it to Me."

Q: Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb?
A1: No, big daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.
A2: Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and seventeen in on the guest list.

Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.

Q: How many bikers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It takes two. One to change the bulb, and the other to kick the switch.

Q: How many running-dog lackeys of the bourgeoisie does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to exploit the proletariat, and one to control the means of production!

Q: How many referral agents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw you out of a fee, and the other to send you to a store where they ran out of bulbs weeks ago.

Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.

Q: How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: one

jazz

Q: How many big black monoliths does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Sorry, light bulbs are an evolutionary dead end.
Q: How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, if it knows its own Goedel number.

Q: How many dadaists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: To get to the other side.

Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A1: None. It's left to the reader as an exercise.
A2: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem to an earlier joke.
A3: One. He gives it to five Oregonians, thereby reducing the problem to an earlier joke.
A4: In an earlier article, zeus!bobr writes:

Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We don't know. They never get past the feasibility study.

Q: How many Ukrainians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: They don't need to, they glow in the dark.

Q: How many poets does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to curse the darkness, one to light a candle...and one to change the bulb.

Q: How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out).

Q: How many aides does it take to change President Reagan's light bulb?
A: None, they like to keep him in the dark.

Q: How many magicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Depends on what you want to change it into.

Q: How many missionaries does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 101. One to change it and 100 to convince everyone else to change light bulbs too.

Q: How many Macintosh users does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. You have to replace the whole motherboard.

jazz

Knock Knock.
Who's there?

Shelby.

Shelby who?

Shelby comin' 'round the mountain when she comes.

jazz

Yo momma so fat ...
Yo momma is so fat she uses the highway for a slippin' slide
Yo momma so fat she play pool with the planets
Yo momma so fat she uses a pie as a clock
Yo momma is so fat that when she turns her head, her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs.
Yo momma so fat she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu and says "okay!"
Yo momma so fat she fell in love and broke it.
Yo momma so fat she makes the world look like the size of numbers
Yo momma so fat when she dressed in red every body sang hey ho kolaid.
Yo momma so fat when she jumps up in the air she gets stuck!!!
Yo momma so fat she fell and made the Grand Canyon!
Yo momma so fat when she wears red the neighborhood kids shout "Koolaid! Koolaid!"
Yo momma so fat the National Weather Agency has to assign names to her farts!!!
Yo momma so fat she's got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book!
Yo momma so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up
Yo Momma so fat she stood on a scale, and the scales life flashed before it eyes
Yo momma so fat when she turn around it's her birthday.
Yo momma so fat her nickname is "DAMN"
Yo momma so fat when she turn around it's her birthday
Yo momma so fat she has a run in her blue-jeans!
Yo momma so fat the bitch is just FAT.
Yo momma so fat were in her right now
Yo momma so fat people jog around her for exercise
Your momma so fat last time she saw 90210 she was looking down at her scale!
Yo momma so fat the animals at the zoo feed her.
Yo momma so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyone
Yo momma so fat she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors

jazz

Yo momma so fat ...
Yo mamma so fat you haveta roll over twice to get off her...
Yo momma so fat she was floating in the ocean and spain claimed her for then new world
Yo momma so fat she lay on the beach and people run around yelling Free Willy
Yo momma so fat when you get on top of her your ears pop!
Yo momma so fat when she has sex, she has to give directions!
Yo momma so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said "Taxi!"
Yo momma so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway
Yo momma so fat she got baptized in sea world
Yo momma so fat she got to pull down her pants to get into her pockets
Yo momma so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave, she landed on 12th
Yo momma so fat when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too
Yo momma so fat the highway patrol made her wear "Caution! Wide Turn"
Yo momma so fat when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE!
Yo momma so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.
Yo momma so fat when she steps on a scale, it read "one at a time, please" Yo Momma so fat she stood on a scale, and the scales life flashed before it eyes
Yo momma so fat when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo.
Yo momma so fat she's got her own area code!
Yo momma so fat she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagon!
Yo momma so fat God couldn't light Earth till she moved!
Yo momma so fat when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun!
Yo momma so fat she sat on the beach and Greenpeace threw her in!
Yo momma so fat whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in!
Yo momma so fat she rolled over 4 quarters and it made a dollar!
Yo momma so fat she sat on a dollar and squeezed a booger out George Washington's nose.
Yo momma so fat even Bill Gates couldn't pay for her liposuction!
Yo momma so fat you have to roll her ass in flour and look for the wet spot to fuck her!
Yo momma so fat I had to take a train and two buses just to get on the bitches good side!
Yo momma so fat she wakes up in sections!
Yo momma so fat when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride HER!
Yo momma so fat she was mistaken for God's bowling ball!
Yo momma so fat that her senior pictures had to be arial views!
Yo momma so fat she's on both sides of the family!
Yo momma so fat everytime she walks in high heels, she strikes oil!
Yo momma so fat even her clothes have stretch marks!
Yo momma so fat she broke her leg, and gravy poured out!
Yo momma so fat when she rides in a hot air balloon, it looks like she's wearin tights!
Yo momma so fat she got hit by a parked car!

goodforu

really nice ones!!

__________________
Good for u