jazz

Dear Editor,

I have two brothers, one works at Microsoft, the other was sentenced to death in the gas chamber.

My mother died of insanity when I was three years old, my two sisters are prostitutes and my father sells drugs.

Recently, I met a girl who was released from a reformatory where she served time for smothering her illegitimate child to death.

I love this girl very much and want to marry her.

My problem is this:

Shall I tell her about my brother who works at Microsoft?

Sincerely,
Larry

jazz

Two computer programmers are driving on a Highway. They switch on the radio and there is a warning: Please note that a car is driving on highway 75 against the traffic. The programmer near the driver looks at him and says: One? There are hundreds of them.

bond007

too cool jokes...

jazz

Caller: Hello, is this the Help Line?
HelpLine: Yes, it is. How may I help you?
Caller: The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?
HelpLine: I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?
Caller: Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer.
HelpLine: Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?
Caller: It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it.

At this point the HelpLine operator realized that the caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive

jazz

The Three Laws of Secure Computing

1) Don't buy a computer.
2) If you do buy a computer, don't plug it in.
3) If you do plug it in, sell it and return to step 1.

jazz

Computers are Like Men...


In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.

They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.

They hear what you say, but not what you mean.

Computers are Like Women...

No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.

The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it's wrong.

jazz

To err is human ...

To err is human; to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human.

To err is human; to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System.

To err is human; to really foul things up requires a computer.

jazz

Top Explanations by Programmers

Strange...
I've never heard about that.
It did work yesterday.
How is this possible?
The machine seems to have a malfunction.
Has the operating system been updated?
The user has made an error again.
There is something wrong in your data.
I have not touched that module!
You must have the wrong executable.
Oh, it's just a feature.
Of course, I just have to do these small fixes.
It will be done in no time at all.
It's just some unlucky coincidense.
I can't test everything!
THIS can't do THAT.
Didn't I fix it already?
It's already there, but it has not been tested.
Somebody must have changed my code.
There must be a virus in the application software.
This time it will surely run.
I just found the last bug.
Bug? That's not a bug, that's a feature.
According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist

jazz

Press Any Key.

Press any key you like but I'm not moving.

Press A Key.

Nothing happens unless you press the 'A' key.

Fatal Error. Please contact technical support quoting error no. 1A4-2546512430E...

... where you will be kept on hold for 10 minutes, only to be told that it's a hardware problem.

Installing program to C:\...

... And I'll also be writing a few files into c:\windows and c:\windows\system where you'll NEVER find them.

Not enough memory.

I don't CARE if you've got 64 MB of RAM, I want to use the bit below 640K.

Cannot read from drive D:...

...however, if you put the CD in right side up...

Please Wait...

...indefinitely.

Directory does not exist...

....any more. Woops.

The application caused an error. Choose Ignore or Close.

....Makes no difference to me, you're still not getting your work back.

jazz

Things You Don't Want to Hear Your System Administrator Saying:

NO! Not that button!
Do you smell something?
I have never seen it do that before...
Ooops. Save your work, everyone. FAST!
What do you mean you needed that directory?
Where did you say those backup tapes were kept?
The drive ate the tape but that's OK, I brought my screwdriver.
I cleaned up the root partition and now there's lots of free space.

jazz

You Might Be a Computers' Support Technician if...


when asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.

you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.

you are reading a book and look for the scroll bar to get to the next page.

after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number.

you get in the elevator and double-click the button for the floor you want.

you look for a icon to double-click to open your bedroom window.

you look for the undo command after making a mistake.

you disdain people who use low baud rates.

you know how to take the cover off of your computer, and what size screwdriver to use.

you can understand sentences with four or more acronyms in them.

you would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.

you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.

you see a bumper sticker that says "Users are Losers" and you have no idea it is referring to drugs.

you know without a doubt that diskettes come in five-and-a-quarter and three-and-a-half inch sizes.

you have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions about which is better -- the track ball or the track pad.

you are zen-like in your acceptance of users, realizing that there is no limit to the depths of cluelessness, and yet you help them anyway