Akany

You know you are out of college when...


1. Your salary is less than your tuition.

2. Your potted plants stay alive.

3. Shacking in twin-sized beds seems absurd.

4. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

5. You have to pay your own credit card bill.

6. Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well balanced meal.

7. You haven't seen a soap opera in over a year.

8. :00 AM is not early.

9. You have to file your own taxes.

10. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.

11. You don't get carded anymore.

12. You carry an umbrella.

13. You learn that "bachelor" is a nicer term for JACKASS.

14. "Extended childhood" only really pertained to your salary, which is a little less than your allowance used to be.

15. "Twenty-something" means over-qualified, under-paid and not married.

16. Your friends marry instead of hook-up & divorce instead of break-up.

17. You start watching the weather channel.

18. Jeans & baseball caps aren't staples in your wardrobe.

19. You can no longer do SHOTS and smoking gives you a sinus attack.

20. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.

21. You stop confusing 401K plan with 10K run.

22. You go to parties that the police don't raid.

23. Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you.

24. You don't know what time Wendy's closes anymore.

25. Your car insurance goes down.

26. You refer to college students as kids.

27. You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer, bourbon and rum.

28. The beer you DO drink doesn't have to be what's on sale.

29. Your parents start making casual remarks about grandchildren.

30. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of Taco Bell.

31. You're on the computer more than you're on the telephone.

32. You no longer go out for something to eat in Pajama Pants and your sorority/fraternity sweatshirt.

33. "The Walk of Shame" is now that long walk from the boss' office back to your cubicle.

34. You're actually glad to hear to hear those two words you hated for 4 years - "LAST CALL!"

35. The friends you're making now just don't seem to measure up.

__________________

# # # ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Da man! ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ # # #

Akany

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.
The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gunbearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself."

The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."

The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went ROARRRR!"

__________________

# # # ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Da man! ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ # # #

Akany

Harry, Bill and Steve are sitting at the corner bar enjoying themselves, when Ted walks in looking distressed.

"Ted, you look awful. What's wrong?" Harry asks.

Ted says, "Last night I got really drunk, and then somewhere between here and my house, I was abducted by an alien?"

Everyone is shocked. "I heard about this kind of thing happening!" Bills says. "What did the alien do to you?"

"I don't remeber all the details," Ted says. "All I remember is being anally probed by the alien."

Everyone is horrified. "I heard that they'll do that!" Steve says. "What did the alien look like?"

Ted responds, "Carl."

__________________

# # # ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Da man! ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ # # #

Akany

A man and his wife entered a dentist's office.
The wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."

"You're a brave woman," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is."

The wife turns to her husband and says: "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."

__________________

# # # ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Da man! ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ # # #

Rohitpatel

Nice Jokes collection. Let me put 2 good jokes.

Business and Government Strategies


The tribal wisdoms of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says 'when you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount'.
However, in business and government more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

a.. Buying a stronger whip
b.. Changing riders
c.. Appointing a committee to study the horse
d.. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses
e.. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included
f.. Reclassifying the dead horse as 'living impaired'.
g.. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse
h.. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase the speed
i.. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance
j.. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance
k.. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead, and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses
l.. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.
m.. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.

Rohitpatel

Construction Site




A young man at this construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone based on his strength. He especially made fun of one of the older workman. After several minutes, the older worker had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where you mouth is?" he said. "I'll bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to the other building that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the young man replied. "Let's see what you've got."
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then nodding to the young man, he said with a smile, "All right. Get in."

Rohitpatel

Very Expensive Jewelry



A lady walks into a high class jewellery shop. She browses around and spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she inadvertently breaks wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with "Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little "accident", she asks "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?"

He answers," Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you are going to shit yourself when I tell you the price."

C138 Kaysone

The Soccer referee and the players

Referee: ok lets get this game started "Blows Whistle"

Player 1: HEY FOUL!!!

Referee: I didnt see a foul!

Player 2: Hes Cheating!

Referee: Look dont make me through this match out

Player 1: oooo im scared!!!!!

Referee: Dont Make Me Toss This Match Out!

Player 2: Ooooo I didnt know you were that strong

Player 1: Hahahahahahaha Stupid Referee

Coach: HEY YOU TWO SHUT UP AND PLAY BEFORE WE LOSE!

Player 1 & 2: ok coach

Referee: "Looking mad"

Player 1: "Kicks ball at Referees Head"

Referee : Thats IT!!! "He Dribbles the ball and Kicks it at Player 1's head... I WIN!!!!

56kuser

God said to Adam, "I've got some good news and some bad news. First the good news. I have given you a brain and a penis. The bad news... I've only given you enough blood to work one of them at a time!"

Three nuns in church on a hot day decide to remove their robes because of the heat. Not an unusual habit on a hot day. So about a half hour later, the door bell rings while their robes are slumped over pews clear across the huge chapel.

They ask who it is. "The blind man," a voice replies.

The three nuns decide to simply open the door because the man is blind. He walks in, looks at the nuns and says, "Nice tits! Where do you want me to install these blinds?"

56kuser

A sailor and a priest were playing golf. The sailor took his first shot missed and said, "Fuck, I missed." Surprised, the priest replied, "Don�t use that kind of language or god will punish you." The sailor took aim and hit his shot second shot. Again he missed and under his breath the said, "I fuck�n missed again." The priest overheard and replied, "My son, please don�t use that language or god will punish you." The sailor took his third shot and once again he couldn�t help mutter, "Oh fuck�" The priest said, "That�s it god will certainly punish you." Suddenly a bolt of lightning came down and killed the priest. In the distance a deep voice said, "FUCK, I Missed"
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One day, heaven is beginning to fill up (of course due to the population explosion), so St. Peter decides to ask each person a question about the bible before they can enter. Three men stand at the pearly gates, waiting to get into heaven. "How many wise men were there?" St. Peter asks the first man. "Three." He answers, and the trumpets sound, the gates open, and the first man enters.

"How long did the flood last?" St. Peter asks the second man. "Forty days and forty nights." He answers, and the trumpets sound, the gates open and the second man enters. Seeing how easily the first two answered his trivia, St. Peter thinks of a much more difficult question for the second man. Finally, he asks, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam in the Garden?"

The man thinks and thinks, but can't come up with an answer. "Boy, that's a hard one," he finally says. And the trumpets blow, the gates open, and the last man enters heaven.

56kuser

An 85-year-old couple, after being married for almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to the wife's interest in health food and exercising. When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and a Jacuzzi. As they looked around, the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," St. Peter replied. "This is Heaven."

Next, they went out in the back yard to survey the championship-style golf course that the home bordered. They would have golfing privileges every day and each week, the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "What are the greens fees?" St. Peter replied, "This is heaven, you play for free." Next, they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is Heaven, it is free!" St. Peter replied, with some exasperation. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.

St. Peter lectured, "That's the best part, you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick either. This is, after all, Heaven." With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and screaming wildly. St. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault! If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

56kuser

A Marine was coming home from the Pentagon one day. He noticed that there was a lot more traffic than normal. As he got further up the road all of the traffic had come to a halt. He saw a policeman coming towards his car, so he asked the cop what was wrong. The cop said, "Man we are in a crisis situation. Mr. Clinton is in the road very upset. He does not have the $33.5 million that he owes his lawyers, and his family hates him. He is threatening to douse himself in gasoline and start a fire." The marine asked the cop exactly what he was doing there." The cop said, " I feel sorry for the president so I am going car to car asking for donations." The marine asked, "How much do you have so far?" The cop replied, "Well as of right now only 33 gallons, but many people are still siphoning as we speak!"

56kuser

At a meeting for peace negotiations Bill Clinton and Sadamm Hussein were in Baghdad and when bill sat down in the conference room he noticed Saddamm with three buttons on the arm of his chair. after a few minutes Sadamm pressed the first button and a boxing glove sprung up and hit Bill square in the jaw. In the spirit of peace Bill decided to ignore this and continued talking until sadamm pressed the second button and a wooden bat swung out and hill Bill in the chin. Sadamm started laughing. But again Bill ignored this and continued . A minute later Bill saw Sadamm press the third button and he jumped in the air. But a big boot sprung out and hit him in the balls. Bill had decided he had enough of this and when back home.

Three weeks later the peace negotiations were re-scheduled in Washington and as Sadamm sat down in Bills conference room he noticed Bill had three buttons on the arm of his chair. A little while after they started talking Bill pressed the first button but nothing happened, Bill started giggling. They continued to talk then Bill pressed the second button, Sadamm moved but again nothing happened. Sadamm was getting a little jumpy and Bill was laughing even harder. A few minutes later Bill pressed the third button and stared pissing himself but like the others nothing happened. Sadamm had enough of this, stood up and said "That's it! I'm going back to Baghdad!" , to which Bill replied "What Baghdad?"

56kuser

The Clinton's and the Gores are traveling aboard Air Force One. Bill Clinton looks out the window and says, "You know, I bet I could drop a $10,000 bill out the window and make one person very happy!" Al Gore comments, "Yes, but I could drop ten $1000 bills out the window, and make ten people very happy." Hillary Clinton says, "True, but I could drop one hundred $100 bills out the window, and make one hundred people very happy. Chelsea responds, "Big deal! I could drop all of you out the window, and make the whole country happy!"
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A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey... "If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it. But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise!"

56kuser

why six is afraid of seven?
because seven 8(ate) nine :P