jazz

Q: Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
A: Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
Q: Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter?
A: Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.

Q: Why are hangovers better than women?
A: Hangovers will go away.

Q: Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A: So they can stand closer to the sink.

Q: How do you know when a women's about to say something smart?
A: When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me...."

Q: How do you fix a woman's watch?
A: You don't...there's a clock on the oven!

I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts:
"I wanna know your name..."

Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and your going to want to shoot it.

Q: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
A: The Dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in!

Q: What are two reasons why women don't mind their own business?
A: 1.No mind.
a: 2.No business.

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" and I said, "Dust!"

Q: Why do women like intelligent men?
A: Opposites attract.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a women's sex drive by 90 percent.... Wedding cake!!!

jazz

This guy bursts into his house and shouts, "Pack your bags, Honey, I just won the lottery!"

She says, "That's wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?"


He replies, "I don't care-just get the hell out!"

jazz

There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.
The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."

The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.

jazz

"It's just to hot to wear clothes today," said Jack as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money."

jazz

Adam and eve were in the Garden of Eden, and Eve had not been there long and Adam was trying to get a grasp on the female thing, so he asked God if they could have a talk. God replied, sure your my son and I love you can ask me anything.
So Adam asked, God you have given me the beautiful flowers and the sunset....But I look at Eve and she is so beautiful it takes my breath away... Why God, did you make eve so beautiful? God replied, my son that is easy, I made her that way so you would love her, Adam replied well, it worked but I have another question... I touch the cool water and rub the furry animals and they feel so good to me but I touch Eve and it is so wonderful my heart almost stops... God, why did you make her that way?

God replied well Adam that is easy I made her that way so you’d love her...well Adam replied, it worked, I do, but God I have one more question and I don't mean to question your wisdom or anything, but God she is stupid, why did you make her stupid? God replied my son that is easy I made her that way so she would love you.

jazz

God was talking to Adam and asked Adam which he wanted first, the good news or the bad news.
Adam chose the good news.

God told him he had made something for him: it would never wear out, it was warm and slick, it felt good, and would give a tremendous amount of pleasure in his lifetime.

Adam said that is great and asked what could possibly be the bad news.

God said that he put a woman in charge of it.

jazz

As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every time they have sex the husband puts his pocket change into a china piggy bank on the bedside table. One night while being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocked the bank to the floor where it smashes. To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there are handfuls of five and ten dollar bills. He asks his wife what's up. "Well," she replied, "Not everyone is as cheap as you are."

jazz

If Men Were to Rewrite "The Rules"
Rule # 1
Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.

Rule # 2
If you don't want to dress like Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

Rule # 3
If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.

Rule # 4
It is in neither your best interest or ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.

Rule # 5
Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?

Rule # 6
Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

Rule # 7
You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.

Rule # 8
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.

Rule # 9
Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.

Rule # 10
When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.

jazz

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princesses lap and said: "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am, and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."

That night, the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and shallot cream sauce.

jazz

Women's Compact Book

Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.
Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.

Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.

If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all there.

Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.

Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be let out alone.

The only reason men are on this planet is that vibrators can't dance or buy drinks. (Personally I think the dancing is debatable on most men).

Never sleep with a man who's named his willy.

Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

A man who can dress himself without looking like Wurzel Gummidge is unquestionably gay.

Men are all the same - they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.

Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

If you want a committed man look in a mental hospital.

The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times men wouldn't ask for directions.

If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books.

A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, 'oh alright, I'll stay the night".

Women sleep with men, who if they were women, they wouldn't even have bothered to have lunch with.

Remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.

If he asks you if you're faking it tell him no, you're just practising.

Sadly, all men are created equal.

When he asks you if he's your first tell him, "You may be, you look familiar".

The main point of having a boyfriend is so that he can one day graduate to the exalted status of a 'former boyfriend".

There are two significant influences in a man's life and they are both his mother.

There are a lot of words that you can use to describe men - strong, caring, loving - they'd be wrong - but you could still use them.

jazz

If Men Got Pregnant

Maternity leave would last two years....with full pay.
There would be a cure for stretch marks.

Natural childbirth would become obsolete.

Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem.

All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.

Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.

Men would be eager to talk about commitment.

They wouldn't think twins were so cute.

Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM.

Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.

Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.

They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.

Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entree's.

Women would rule the world

jazz

Guardian Angel

A woman opened the door of a building and was about to step outside when she heard a voice saying, "Don't take that next step or you'll regret it." She paused and a brick came crashing to the pavement right where she would have been standing. She looked around and there was no one nearby.
The next day this woman was about to step into the street when she heard this same voice say, "Don't take that next step or you'll regret it." As she paused a truck came racing by and smashed into a nearby vehicle. She knew if she hadn't listened to that voice she would have been hurt badly, or maybe even killed.

She looked behind her and there was no one nearby. "All right," she said, "Who are you ?" "I'm your guardian angel," the voice replied. "Oh, if that's the case," the woman said, "Where were you on my wedding day?"

jazz

Men and Women

The difference between men and women:
A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells: "PIG"!!
The man immediately leans out his window and replies with "B-----!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner he slams into a pig in the middle of the road.

jazz

What a Man hears

What a Woman Says:
"This place is a mess! C'mon,
You and I need to clean up.
Your stuff is lying on the floor,
and if we don't do laundry right now
you'll have no clothes to wear."


What a Man Hears:

blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES.

jazz

Pickup Line Return
Man: is this seat empty?
Woman: yes and this one will be too if you sit down!



Pickup Line Return
Man: your bodys like a temple

Woman: sorry no sevice today.



Man: Are you from Tennessee?

Woman: No. Why?

Man: Because you are the only ten I see.