jazz

Q: What is Dr Alan Greenspan's Favorite PC Game?
A: Roller Coaster Tycoon
Q: Why is the fall in the StockMarket not so bad?
A: It won't be so hard to keep up with the Dow Joneses.

You know Greenspan's been around Sooooo long he remembers the tulip bubble!

jazz

STOCK: A magical piece of paper that is worth $33.75 until the moment you buy it. It will then be worth $8.50.
BOND: What you had with your spouse until you pawned his/her golf clubs to invest in Amazon.com.

BROKER: The person you trust to help you make major financial decisions. Please note the first five letters of this word spell Broke.

BEAR: What your trade account and wallet will be when you take a flyer on that hot stock tip your secretary gave you.

BULL: What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds tanked during the last quarter.

MARGIN: Where you scribble the latest quotes when you're supposed to be listening to your manager's presentation.

SHORT POSITION: A type of trade where, in theory, a person sells stocks he doesn't actually own. Since this also only ever works in theory, a short position is what a person usually ends up being in (i.e. "The rent, sir? Hahaha, well, I'm a little short this month.").

COMMISSION: The only reliable way to make money on the stock market, which is why your broker charges you one.

YAK: What you do into a pail when you discover your stocks have plunged and your broker is making a margin call.

jazz

What's the difference between buying a lottery ticket and buying a penny stock?
In the first case, you help finance the local community swimming pool
In the second case, you help finance the stock promoters' home pool.

jazz

"I hear that you drop some money in Wall Street. Were you a bull or a bear?"
"Neither, just a plain simple ass."

jazz

October Stockmarket Crash:
Which is most dangerous month?

October. This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks in. The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.
Mark Twain

jazz

Stockbroker Goes Dot.Com

A stock broker to another "I don't think this line of work is for you. You just keep losing money all the time."
"You're right" he replied"My whole life all I've done is lose money".

Next day he comes to work and resigns.

His co-worker asks" What are you going to do with your life."

" I finally figured out how I can make some money from losing money all the time."

"How" asks the co-worker.

"I am going to build a web page and take it public."

jazz

Stockbroker Eats Pizza

A market guru walks into a pizzeria to order a pizza.
When the pizza is done, he goes up to the counter to get it.

There a clerk asks him:

"Should I cut it into six pieces or eight pieces?"

The guru replies: "I'm feeling rather hungry right now. You'd better cut it into eight pieces

jazz

The Simpson's invited their new neighbors the Parkers over to dinner. During dinner Mr Simpson asked Mr Parker what he did for a living.
4 year old Billy Parker jumped in and said

" Daddy is a fisherman!"

To which Mrs Parker replied" Billy why do say that? Your daddy is a stock broker not a fisherman."

"No Mom. Everytime we visit dad at work and he hangs up the phone he laughs, rubs his hands together and says I just caught another fish."

jazz

Stockbroker's Worth

For many years, a young stock broker at Big Street Investments would plan a yearly weekend getaway at a mountain Inn.
He would rendez-vous with the innkeeper's daughter while he was there.

Looking forward to this years trip he departed with his suitcases in hand. When he arrived at the Inn he made his way up the stairs to his usual meeting room. The door was open and he walked in glancing at the Innkeeper daughter sitting on the bed.

There she sat with an infant on her lap!

"Who is that he asked."

"It's your son" she answred.

"Why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the child would have my name!"

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and we finally decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a stock broker.

jazz

Stockbroker as Liquidator

In the midst of the shaky stock market we have had this week many brokers are getting calls from their clients requesting they liquidate their holdings. One broker recounts such a call.
One of my clients call me on Thursday all anxious and out of breath with this urgency in his voice.

He says to me "Howard sell it all sell everything , fast right away."

I try to explain to him that the market is cyclical in nature and that for long term outlook stocks still remain the place to be.

He says" John, let me tell you a secret. You know I've been married for 6 years now and I've been your client for 5."

"yes go on" I say.

"Well. My wife Lucie has this thing about the market. It's a phobia of sorts. When we got married I promised her that I would follow in her parents footsteps and never venture in the stock market and always leave all our money under the mattress. Her Great Grandparents lost it all in the great crash and ever since then her family found investing in the market akin to original sin."

"Wow Howard I didn't know that. I guess you want the money because the market is going down in case she asks for it."

"No John I want the money because she ordered a new mattress and it is being delivered in two days."

jazz

Stockbroker Helps Mr Junkie to Short

ABC Stock reaches $155. $155 for a stock that should be valued at $100. Wow!!!!
That's it I say to myself. It's time I make that decision that all longs consider at one time or another. I am going to short my first stock. I am thinking to myself "This stock is overvalued. It can't sustain these levels. This is money in the bank. Guaranteed baby!!"

I phone my broker.

"How can I help you Mr.Junkie."

"I want to place a trade. I want to short 1000 share of ABC." After a few seconds he says,

"I am sorry Mr.Junkie. I can't process that for you. Your account is a cash account. You need a margin account to short a stock. I can send you the application or you could go to your nearest financial institution to fill out the forms."

I head out the door the minute I get off the phone because time was a wasting and as they say time is money. I run into the financial institution fill out the form and have a taxi deliver it directly to my broker. Next morning I call the broker.

" Hello it's Mr.Junkie did you get the application"

"Yes We did."

"Great I would like to short ABC then."

"One minute please. I am sorry Mr.Junkie but you now need a shorters account."

"What! You mean the margin account isn't enough?

"No you also need a shorters account. Nearest financial institution has the forms"

Off I go again. I complete the form and have it sent by courier to the broker.

Next day I call again.

"Hello Mr.Junkie"

"Please I want to short 1000 shares of abc"

"One moment please." Voice returns within a few seconds. "Sorry Mr.Junkie you don't have enough funds. To short a stock you need 150% the equity value of the stock you are shorting."

"Transfer the funds from my bank account." I demand.

"Will do Mr.Junkie but it will take 2 days for it to be in your account" he replies

two days later I call.

"It's Mr.Junkie did you get the funds transfer."

"Yes Mr.Junkie we did"

"Great I want to short 1000 shares of abc at $155"

Few moments later "Mr. Junkie I am sorry but I don't think that is possible"

"Why not. Now what's the problem?"

"We'll the last trade went through at $101."

jazz

Stockbroker and Stock Analyst go to the Races

A stock analyst and a Wall Street broker went to the races. The broker suggested to bet $10,000 on a horse. The analyst was sceptical, saying that he wanted first to understand the rules, to look on horses, etc. The broker whispered that he knew a secret algorithm for the success, but he could not convince the analyst.
"You are too theoretical," he said and bet on a horse. Surely, that horse came first bringing him a lot of money. Triumphantly, he exclaimed: "I told you, I knew the secret!"
"What is your secret?" the analyst asked.
"It is rather easy. I have two kids, three and five year old. I sum up their ages and I bet on number nine."
"But, three and five is eight," the analyst protested.
"I told you, you are too theoretical!" the broker replied, "Haven't I just shown experimentally that my calculation is correct?!"

jazz

Stockbrokers and Yachts

A long time ago, a visitor from out of town came to a tour in Manhattan. At the end of the tour they took him to the financial district. When they arrived to Battery Park the guide showed him some nice yachts anchoring there, and said, "Here are the yachts of our bankers and stockbrokers." "And where are the yachts of the investors?" asked the naive visitor.

jazz

Stockbrokers and Lightbulbs


Version 1:
How many stockbrokers does it take to change a light bulb?
"My God! It burnt out!! Sell all my G.E. stock NOW!!!"

Version 2:
How many stockbrokers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two all up. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out).

jazz

Q: What's the definition of a stockbroker?
A: Someone who invests your money till' it's all gone.