Mega Joke Thread

[arnav]

this is a mega Joke Thread.Each Post = 1 Joke.

next thread will be a mage thread for optical illusions.


Interviewr: Wat acc to u is d fastest thng?
Candidate1: I gues light is fastest.
C 2: I thnk its blink of an eye.
C 3: I thnk its our thought.
Santa: Its loose motion.
Interviewr(amazd): Hwz dat possible?
Santa: Last nite i felt cramps in stomach... B4 i cud thnk, blink or put on light, it was out n done!

[arnav]

The captain of a team says to the Umpire, "My players want to know if there is a penalty for thinking." The Umpire says, "No." The captain says, "Well we think you're an asshole, then."





CRICKET: As explained to a foreigner...

You have two sides, one out in the field and one in. Each man that's in the side that's in goes out, and when he's out he comes in and the next man goes in until he's out. When they are all out, the side that's out comes in and the side thats been in goes out and tries to get those coming in, out. Sometimes you get men still in and not out.

When a man goes out to go in, the men who are out try to get him out, and when he is out he goes in and the next man in goes out and goes in. There are two men called umpires who stay all out all the time and they decide when the men who are in are out. When both sides have been in and all the men have out, and both sides have been out twice after all the men have been in, including those who are not out, that is the end of the game!

[arnav]

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.

"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with

your gun, how many would be left?"

"None.", replied Johnny. "'cause the rest would fly away."

"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking."

Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three

women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one

Licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her

cone, which one is married?

Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But

I like the way you are thinking".

The Teacher Fainted...

[arnav]

Santa found his wife havng affair with a guy.He decided 2 kill himself & his wife. Apne kaan pe pistol lagai aur wife ko bola-khush mt ho agla number tera hai.

[arnav]

Santa : Kal jo Shampoo liya tha,us ka Free Gift do" Shopkeeper : Us pe free gift nhi hai"
Santa : pagal samja hai kya? uspe likha hai "Danddruff FREE.."

[arnav]

Height of fashion:

A one year old child asking mom for low waist diapers!

[arnav]

Today's Girlfriend
says 2 her
b0yfriend in
Fanaa style:
"Tere paiso ko
meri purse me
panaah mil
jaye,
Mere ishq me
teri daulat
Fanaa ho
jaye!

[arnav]

Santa driving car zigzag & rashly. Traffic Cop caught him

Santa: sir Im learning driving

Cop: without instrctor?

Santa: yeh PTU ka corespondnce course hai.

[arnav]

Rahul gandhi -->

Mom, aapki vjah se meri shaadi nahi ho rhi..
Sonia gandhi --> Kyon?
Rahul --> Har tarf likha hai Sonia ko Bahumat do.. (BAHU MAT DO)..

[arnav]

Here is the reason. Why Newton Committed Suicide…..

Once, Newton came to India and watched a few Tamil movies that had his head spinning. He was convinced that all his logic and laws in physics were just a huge pile of junk and apologized for everything he had done.

In the movie of Rajanikanth, Newton was confused to such an extent that he went paranoid.

Here are a few scenes

1) Rajanikanth has a Brain Tumor which, according to the doctors can’t be cured and his death is imminent. In one of the fights, our great Rajanikanth is shot in the head. To everybody’s surprise, the bullet passes through his ears taking away the tumor along with it and he is cured! Long Live Rajanikanth!

2) In another movie, Rajanikanth is confronted with 3 gangsters. Rajanikanth has a gun but unfortunately only one bullet and a knife. Guess, what he does? He throws the knife at the middle gangster? & shoots the bullet towards the knife. The knife cuts the bullet into 2 pieces, which kills both the gangsters on each side of the middle gangster & the knife kills the middle one.

3) Rajanikanth is chased by a gangster. Rajanikanth has a revolver but no bullets in it. Guess, what he does. Nah? not even in your remotest imaginations. He waits for the gangster to shoot. As soon as the gangster shoots, Rajanikanth opens the bullet compartment of his revolver and catches the bullet. Then, he closes the bullet compartment and fires his gun. Bang… the gangster dies…

This was too much for our Newton to take! He was completely shaken and decided to go back. But he happened to see another movie for one last time, and thought that at least one movie would follow his theory of physics. The whole movie goes fine and Newton is happy that all in the world hasn’t changed. Oops, not so fast!

The ‘climax’ finally arrives. Rajanikanth gets to know that the villain is on the other side of a very high wall. So high that Rajanikanth can’t jump even if he tries like one of those superman techniques that our heroes normally use. Rajanikanth has to desperately kill the villain because it’s the climax. (Newton dada is smiling since it is virtually impossible?) Rajanikanth suddenly pulls two guns from his pockets. He throws one gun in the air and when the gun has reached above the height of the wall, he uses the second gun and shoots at the trigger of the first gun in air. The first gun fires off and the villain is dead.

Newton commits suicide…


One request, if you feel any joke is repeated, please tell me and i will ask someone to remove it.

[arnav]

A FUNNY INTERVIEW

Officer : What Is Your Name ?
Candidate : M P. Sir
Officer : Tell Me Properly
Candidate : Mohan Pal Sir
Officer : Your Father's Name ?
Candidate : M P. Sir
Officer : What Does That Mean ?
Candidate : Manmohan Pal Sir
Officer : Your Native Place
Candidate : M P. Sir
Officer : Is It Madhya Pradesh ?
Candidate : No, Munnur Pal Sir
Officer : What Is Your Qualification?
Candidate : M P. Sir
Officer : (Angrily) What Is It ?
Candidate : Metric Pass
Officer : Why Do You Need A Job ?
Candidate : M P. Sir
Officer : And What Does That Mean ?
Candidate : Money Problem Sir
Officer : Describe Your Personality
Candidate : M P. Sir
Officer : Explain Yourself Clearly
Candidate : Magnanimous Personality Sir
Officer : This Discussion Is Nowhere, You May Go Now
Candidate : M P. Sir
Officer : What Is It Now
Candidate : My Performance....?
Officer : Mp !!!
Candidate : What Is That Sir..?
Officer : Mentally Puncture

[arnav]

Software Engineers !!!!!!!!!!
There was a good old barber in Bangalore . One day a
florist goes to him for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the
barber
and the barber replies:

I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am
doing
a Community Service.
Florist is happy and leaves the shop.



The next morning when the Barber goes to open his
shop, there is a "Thank You" Card and a dozen roses waiting at his
door.



A Confectioner goes for a haircut and he also goes to
pay the barber he again refuses to take the money. The Confectioner is
happy and leaves the shop.





The next morning when the Barber goes to open his
shop, there is another "Thank you" Card and a dozen Cakes waiting at
his
door.





A Software Engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the
barber
again refuses the money saying that it was a community
service.



The next morning when the Barber goes to open his
shop, guess what he finds there......



A Dozen Software engineers waiting for a free
haircut... with Printouts of
Forwarded mail mentioning about free haircut

[arnav]

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.

After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men--he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women--she loved to browse.

One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart:

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of Polident and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away."

4. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

5. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

7. September 23: When a clerk asked if she could help him, he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

9. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

11. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.

12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

And last, but not least:

13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed, "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"

[arnav]

* What is height of Fashion?

A. Dhoti with a zip .


************ **

2. What is height of Secrecy?

A. Offering blank visiting cards.


************ **


3. What is height of Active laziness?

A. Asking for a lift to house while on a morning walk.


************ **

4. What is height of Craziness?

A. Getting a blank paper Xeroxed.


************ **

5. What is height of Forgetfulness?

A. Seeing the mirror and trying to recollect when you saw him / her
last.


************ **

6. What is height of Stupidity?

A. A man looking through a keyhole of a glass door.

************ **

7. What is height of Honesty?

*


A. A pregnant woman taking one and a half ticket.


************ **

8. What is height of Suicide?

A. A dwarf jumping from the footpath on the road.


************ **

9. What is height of De-hydration?

A. A cow giving milk powder.

[arnav]

Murphy's Lesser-Known Dictums

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself In the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.