jazz

The teacher asked, " Can you give me a good example of how heat expands things and cold contracts them?"
"Well," one alert pupil answered, "the days are much longer in summer.''
The kindergarten teacher was standing outside her room as the children entered one morning. Along came little David, deliberately winking his left eye.
"Why, David," said the teacher, "are you winking at me?"
"No, just got my turn signal on," David replied, making a neat left turn into his room.

The absent-minded professor paused to chat awhile with one of his students, then asked, "Which way was I going when I stopped to talk to you?''
"That way,'' the student pointed.
''Good,'' said the professor, ''then I've had my lunch."

Even though I was an engineering student at the University of Maryland, chemistry was a required course in my day. The Professor, on the first day of class, asked everyone to name the most outstanding contribution chemistry had made to society.
When my turn came, I answered, "Blondes!"

The fifth grader came home from school bubbling with excitement after having been voted "Prettiest Girl in the Class." She was even more excited when she came home the next day after the class had voted her "Most Popular." But several days later when she announced she had won a third contest, she was somewhat subdued.
"What were you voted this time?" her mother asked.
"Most Stuck-up,'" the girl replied.

1960s ARITHMETIC TEST: "A logger cuts and sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is four-fifths of that amount. What is his profit?"
‘70s new-math test: "A logger exchanges a set (L) of lumber for a set (M) of money. The cardinality of Set M is 100. The Set C of production costs contains 20 fewer points. What cardinality of Set P of profits?"
‘80s "dumb down" version: "A logger cuts and sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost is $80, his profit is $20. Find and circle the number 20."
‘90s version: "An unenlightened logger cuts down a beautiful stand of 100 trees in order to make a $20 profit. Write an essay explaining how you feel about this as a way to make money. Topic for discussion: How did the forests and squirrels feel?"

jazz

Teacher: When you yawn, your supposed to put your hand to your mouth!
Pupil: What ?, and get bitten!
Teacher: You aren't paying attention to me. Are you having trouble hearing?
Pupil: No, teacher I'm having trouble listening!

Why were you late?
Sorry, teacher, I overslept.
You mean you need to sleep at home too!

Teacher: Class, we will have only half a day of school this morning.
Class: Hooray
Teacher: We will have the other half this afternoon!

Teacher: That's quite a cough you have there, what are you taking for it?
Pupil: I don't know teacher. What will you give me?

Son: I can't go to school today.
Father: Why not?
Son: I don't feel well
Teacher: Where don't you feel well?
Son: In school!

Teacher: You missed school yesterday didn't you?
Pupil: Not very much!

Father: I hear you skipped school to play football
Son: No I didn't, and I have the fish to prove it!

Pupil (on phone) : My son has a bad cold and won't be able to come to school today.
School Secretary: Who is this?
Pupil: This is my father speaking!

Father: How do you like going to school?
Son: The going bit is fine, as is the coming home bit too, but I'm not too keen on the time in-between!

jazz

Teacher: When you yawn, your supposed to put your hand to your mouth!
Pupil: What ?, and get bitten!
Teacher: You aren't paying attention to me. Are you having trouble hearing?
Pupil: No, teacher I'm having trouble listening!

Why were you late?
Sorry, teacher, I overslept.
You mean you need to sleep at home too!

Teacher: Class, we will have only half a day of school this morning.
Class: Hooray
Teacher: We will have the other half this afternoon!

Teacher: That's quite a cough you have there, what are you taking for it?
Pupil: I don't know teacher. What will you give me?

Son: I can't go to school today.
Father: Why not?
Son: I don't feel well
Teacher: Where don't you feel well?
Son: In school!

Teacher: You missed school yesterday didn't you?
Pupil: Not very much!

Father: I hear you skipped school to play football
Son: No I didn't, and I have the fish to prove it!

Pupil (on phone) : My son has a bad cold and won't be able to come to school today.
School Secretary: Who is this?
Pupil: This is my father speaking!

Father: How do you like going to school?
Son: The going bit is fine, as is the coming home bit too, but I'm not too keen on the time in-between

jazz

Teacher: I hope I didn't see you looking at Fred's test paper.
Pupil: I hope you didn't see me either!
Teacher: You copies from Fred's exam paper didn't you?
Pupil: How did you know?
Teacher: Fred's paper says "I don't know" and you have put "Me, neither"!

Great news, teacher says we have a test today come rain or shine.
So what's so great about that?
It's snowing outside!

Q: What would you get if you crossed a vampire and a teacher?
A: Lots of blood tests!

Q: What kinds of tests do they give witches?
A: Hex-aminations!

Father: What did the teacher think of your idea
Son: She took it like a lamb
Teacher: Really ?, what did she say?
Son: Baa!

Father: How were the exam questions?
Son: Easy
Father: Then why look so unhappy?
Son: The questions didn't give me any trouble, just the answers!

Father: How did you exams go?
Son: I got nearly 100 in every subject
Father: What do you mean, nearly 100?
Son: The questions didn't give me any trouble, just the answers!

Pupil: I don't think I deserved zero on this test
Class: I agree, but that's the lowest mark I could give you!

Father: Why did you get such a low score in that test?
Son: Absence
Father: You were absent on the day of the test?
Son: No but the boy who sits next to me was!

jazz

Q: What's the moral of the story about Jonah and the whale?
A: You can't keep a good man down!
Q: Who designed Noah's ark?
A: An ark-itect!

Q: What was the greatest accomplishment of the early Romans?
A: Speaking Latin!

Q: Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons?
A: He wanted Mark Antony!

Q: Where did the pilgrims land when they came to America?
A: On their feet!

Q: Why does history keep repeating itself?
A: Because we weren't listening the first time!

Q: Who succeeded the first President of the USA?
A: The second one!

Q: If Atlas supported the world on his shoulders, who supported Atlas?
A: His wife!

Q: What did Noah do while spending time on the ark?
A: Fished, but he didn't catch much. He only had two worms!

Q: Why did Eve want to move to New York?
A: She fell for the Big Apple!

jazz

I lost it fighting this kid you said you weren't the best teacher in the school
I was mugged on the way to school and the mugger took everything I had

Our puppy toilet trained on it

Some aliens from outer space borrowed it so they could study how the human brain worked

I put it in a safe, but lost the combination

I loaned it to a friend, but he suddenly moved away

Our furnace stopped working and we had to burn it to stop ourselves from freezing

I left it in my shirt and my mother put it in the washing machine

I didn't do it because I didn't want to add to your already heavy workload

My little sister ate it

jazz

Teacher: Can anyone tell me how many seconds there are in a year?
Pupil: 12 - 2nd January, 2nd February...!
Teacher: This is the third time I've had to tell you off this week, what have you got to say about that?
Pupil: Thank heavens it's Friday!

Teacher: Didn't you hear me call you?
Pupil: But you said not to answer you back!

Teacher: Why can't you ever answer any of my questions?
Pupil: Well if I could there wouldn't be much point in me being here!

Teacher: What came after the stone age and the bronze age?
Pupil: The sausage!

Teacher: I said to draw a cow eating some grass but you've only drawn the cow?
Pupil: Yes, the cow ate all the grass!

Teacher: Your new here aren't you, what's your name?
Pupil: Fred Mickey Smith
Teacher: I'll call you Fred Smith then.
Pupil: My dad won't like that.
Teacher: Why is that?
Pupil: He doesn't like people taking the Mickey out of my name!

Q: Why did the teacher wear sunglasses?
A: Because his class was so bright!

Q: Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher?
A: He couldn't control his pupils!

Teacher: What family does the octopus belong to?
Pupil: Nobody I know!

jazz

Q: Are you in the top half of your class?
A: No, I'm one of the students who make the top half possible!
Art Teacher: The picture of the horse is good, but where is the wagon?
Pupil: The horse will draw it!
Teacher: Why are you picking your nose in class?
Pupil: My mother won't let me do it at home!

Teacher : Why are you reading the last pages of your history book first?
Pupil: I want to know how it ends!

Teacher: If you have five haystacks in one corner, five in another and two in another, how many would you have?
Pupil: One big haystack!

Teacher: Does anyone know who broke the sound barrier?
Pupil: I'm no squealer!

Teacher: Do you file your nails Billy?
Billy: No, I just throw them away!

Teacher: Billie, stop your day dreaming?
Billie: I wasn't day dreaming, I was taking a nap!

Teacher: What can we do to stop polluting our waters?
Pupil: Stop taking baths?

Teacher : Can't you retain anything in your head overnight?
Pupil : Of course, I've had this cold in my head for two days!

jazz

I failed every subject except for algebra.
How did you keep from failing that?
I didn't take algebra!
Teacher: Are you good at math?
Pupil: Yes and no
Teacher: What do you mean?
Pupil: Yes, I'm no good at math!

Dad, can you help me find the lowest common denominator in this problem please?
Don't tell me that they haven't found it yet, I remember looking for it when I was a boy!

Teacher: Did you parents help you with these homework problems?
Pupil: No I got them all wrong by myself!

Teacher, I can't solve this problem.
Any five year old should be able to solve this one.
No wonder I can't do it then, I'm nearly ten!

Teacher: What's 2 and 2
Pupil: 4
Teacher: That's good
Pupil: Good ?, that's perfect!

Teacher: If 1+1=2 and 2+2=4, what is 4+4?
Pupil: That's not fair you answer the easy ones and leave us with the hard one!

Teacher: How much is half of 8
Pupil: Up and down or across?
Teacher: What do you mean?
Pupil: Well,up and down makes a 3 or across the middle leaves a 0

Teacher: Now class, whatever I ask, I want you to all answer at once. How much is six plus 4?
Class: At once!

Q: If there are ten cats in a boat and one jumps out, how many are left?
A: None, they were all copycats!

jazz

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.
The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is - it's some flowers!"

"That's right!" shouted the little boy.

Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift.

She held it up, shook it and said. "I bet I know what it is - it's a box of candy!"

"That's right!" shouted the little girl.

The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she asked.

"No," the boy answered.

The teacher touched another drop to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No," the boy answered.

Finally, the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?"

The boy replied, "A puppy!"

jazz

A new teacher is trying to make use of her Psychology courses. She starts her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up."
After a few seconds, little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?"

"No, ma'am," he says, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself."

jazz

Little Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his regular teacher.
She says "Hello class, I'm Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class remember it has an "r" after the first letter"

The entire class says" Hello Mrs. Prussy" A few days later the regular teacher is still sick When Johny gets to his desk the teacher asks what her name is.

Little Johnny thinks hard and the says to the teacher "I Remember it has an "R" after the first letter".

"That's right" she coaxed. Then after a few seconds Little Johnny says "Mrs. Crunt?"

jazz

Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School.
Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge, and all the people walked across safely. He used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters and call in an air strike. They sent in bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.

"Now, Joey, is that REALLY what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.

Well, no, Mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!

jazz

"Dad, can you write in the dark?"
"I think so. What is it you want me to write?"
"Your name on this report card."

A little girl came home from school and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do."
The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this ... by the way, what was it that you didn't do?"
The little girl replied, "My homework."


The child comes home from his first day at school.
Mother asks, "What did you learn today?"
The kid replies, "Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow."


Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father.
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' and I said '6'"
"But that's right!"
"Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the fucking difference?"
"That's exactly what I said!"


A teacher was having trouble teaching arithmetic to one little boy. So she said, "if you reached in your right pocket and found a nickel, and you reached in your left pocket and found another one, what would you have?"
"Somebody else's pants."


Teacher: "Sam, what is the outside of a tree called?"
Sam: "I don’t know."
Teacher: "Bark, Sam, bark."
Sam: "Bow, wow, wow!"


The teacher came up with a good problem. "Suppose," she asked the second-graders, "there were a dozen sheep and six of them jumped over a fence. How many would be left?"
"None," answered little Norman.
"None? Norman, you don't know your arithmetic."
"Teacher, you don't know your sheep. When one goes, they all go!"


Billy and Willy were at Sunday school studying about Noah's ark. On the way home, Willy asked, "Do you think Noah did much fishing?"
"How could he?" said Billy. "He only had two worms".


The teacher is droning away in the classroom when he notices a student sleeping way up in the back row. The teacher shouts to the sleeping student's neighbor, "Hey wake that student up!"
The neighbor yells back, "You put him to sleep, you wake him up!"


Teacher: Milton, how can you prove the earth is round?
Milton: I can't. Besides, I never said it was.


Teacher: Johnny, you know you can't sleep in my class.
Johnny: I know. But maybe if you were just a little quieter, I could.


"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

jazz

Teacher: If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Seven!
Teacher: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: Let's try this another way. If I give you two apples and two apples and another two apples, how many apples have you got?
Paddy: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?
Paddy: I've already got one rabbit at home now!